


Stay Until May

by RestlessCancer



Series: Karkat May... [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Fluff, Self Harm, Smut, gender fluidity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-29
Updated: 2014-07-12
Packaged: 2018-01-03 00:14:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 16,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1063379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RestlessCancer/pseuds/RestlessCancer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I see. I will be careful from now on while we work with this."<br/>"Great, but it only matters if you know a cure for cancer."<br/>That one conversation had been in his head ever since, even as he went to work,  a sleazy club with a paycheck to match.<br/>"Kitkat, go home. You've been working every night this week. You need to get some rest and study for the exams before you get kicked out of school." Livewire commanded. "The guys and I have it covered. We'll put you back on the schedule for regular hours after you pass those exams."<br/>"What? No. I can't do that. I have to work. I need the money for my dorm and books and shit." He shook his head, playing with the skimpy, skin-tight boxers before balling them up with the vest in his canvas bag.<br/>"Don't sweat it, save that for your next sugar doll. You know we've got you covered. You're one of us and we don't leave our own out to dry." Livewire insisted, hugging him and rubbing his upper arms.<br/>"I know. I guess I'm just gonna miss being here is all..." He admitted, running his fingers through his black hair, carefully avoiding the bow on the left side.<br/>My head is spinning. What am I supposed to do without them? They're the only ones who know. Damn</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Where It All Began

"To tell you the truth, I don't know when it all started. It's just that one day, I knew something had to change. Someone had to change. I just figured that I was the one who had to change because everyone else seemed normal. I always felt like the one who was fucked up. I just couldn't see how it could be anyone else. So I tried everything. Literally everything I could think of that wouldn't make me impose on someone else to tell me who to be and how and when to do everything. " He confessed, staring at the patterned skirt covering his legs, his eyes burning with tears as he smiles with amusement at the thought what that meant. "I've always been this perpetual child. I always wanted to curl up on someone's lap, to be held, to be able to cry my eyes out if i needed to, to be told right from wrong, and to always be with someone. I wanted to be taken care of. I needed to be taken care of...."

"And you don't now?"

"That's the problem, I still feel like I want and need all of that, but I'm too old to have any of it. I have to fend for myself. I have to be okay being alone, maybe forever." He looked up at her before saying this, his face nebulous like his mind, void of any feeling, emotion.

"Why do you feel that way?"

"I was hoping you could tell me. I mean you are a professional, right?" He asked, a trace of confusion coming across his face until he shook his head, clearing his facial expressions like an etch-a-sketch.

"I promise that I am, but I will share a little secret with you. I can only guess and only you can tell me what it really is that's going through your head. So think back as far as you can and you might find that you understand more than you think you do."

"you know, I was afraid you'd say that. I truly had hoped I wouldn't have to go back but I guess you dont always have a choice." He stared at her lifelessly, his sensitive red irises glistening before losing the light they held only moments before as he ran his fingers through his midnight black hair, the pale roots revealing how artificial it was. 

"You do have a choice, but in my opinion, the best choice you could make is to confront whatever you have repressed. Tell me, what is it that you're hiding from yourself, Karkat?"

"Who the hell knows? There's so much bullshit jammed up in my head that I can't even hold a thought about anything, especially all this psychotherapy drabble you're throwing at me."

"Then why not tell me about it? You can start anywhere you want. Just start clearing it out by verbalizing it. Right here. Right now."

"I don't even know what to tell you... Memories, thoughts, feelings or what?" Karkat admitted, shrugging and tensing simultaneously.

"Anything you feel like telling me. Like I said, you can start anywhere."

"Anything.... My dad almost killed my brother when i was barely old enough to walk. Does that count?"

"Yes of course. Have you ever discussed this before? With anyone?"

"Why would I? It's family business." Karkat questioned.

"Well, sometimes that kind of secrecy is like cancer, growing and growing until pushes against everything else until it finally takes you. If you have all these experiences bottled inside, they'll all become cancerous and push on you and each other until you can't take it anymore."

Karkat stiffened and stared at her as his eyes burned and spread the heat to the rest of his face. The tears poured without his permission and he roughly rubbed them off with the sleeve of his baggy Sleeping With Sirens hoodie. Before he could stop himself, he was gasping and sobbing.

"Fucking warn me before you say shit like that. Damn it!" Karkat swore, still forcefully wiping the tears from his face with his sleeves until he finally accepted the box of tissues that were being handed to him.

"What did I say that was so triggering for you?"

"I dont want to talk about it."

"Then why are you here." It was more of statement than a question.

"Damn, you're good. No wonder they sent me here."

"I'll take that as a complement. Now, what was it that was so triggering?"

"Cancer. It's plagued me in many ways. A lot of my family died from it, I was born as a cancer, you know, the astrological sign shit, and I am a cancer. I plague everyone around me. I push them and push them until they can't take it anymore and then they're gone. I cant even handle me. I push myself away. I've done everything I could think of to put myself into my place but it's never enough."

"I see. I will be careful from now on while we work with this."

"Great, but it only matters if you know a cure for cancer."


	2. Cherry Pop and Sugar Dolls

"I see. I will be careful from now on while we work with this." 

"Great, but it only matters if you know a cure for cancer." 

That one conversation had been in his head ever since, even as he went to work, a sleazy club with a paycheck to match. 

"Kitkat, go home. You've been working every night this week. You need to get some rest and study for the exams before you get kicked out of school." Livewire commanded. "The guys and I have it covered. We'll put you back on the schedule for regular hours after you pass those exams." 

"What? No. I can't do that. I have to work. I need the money for my dorm and books and shit." He shook his head, playing with the skimpy, skin-tight boxers before balling them up with the vest in his canvas bag. 

"Don't sweat it, save that for your next sugar doll. You know we've got you covered. You're one of us and we don't leave our own out to dry." Livewire insisted, hugging him and rubbing his upper arms. 

"I know. I guess I'm just gonna miss being here is all..." He admitted, running his fingers through his black hair, carefully avoiding the bow on the left side. 

'My head is spinning. What am I supposed to do without them? They're the only ones who know... Damn it.' Karkat thought.

"Hey Kitkat, what's the matter? You look like I just told you that you have cancer." Livewire questioned, looking Karkat over. "Come on, Cherry Pop, smile! You have one less thing to worry about."

"That wasn't funny livewire." Karkat responded stiffly, gritting his teeth while his eyes burned and his hands started wringing the straps on his bag.

"Cherry Pop, I don't understand what's going on with you! I don't even know your real name but you know mine and I know everyone else's. Why don't you just tell me something for once...." Livewire asked, trying to gage Karkat and looking rather flustered.

"My real name is ridiculous. I prefer kat." Karkat explained, trying to blow him off and run before things got intimate in any way.

"Well my name isn't exactly award winning. I mean who thinks naming their son Yasmin." Livewire admits encouragingly. "I mean think about it. Yasmin Goutierez? What kind of name is that?" 

"One that's better than mine..." Karkat mumbles under his breath as he looks down at his feet.

"Come on, Kitkat. You can tell me. I promise I wont tell if you tell me." Livewire compromises, bending down to look up at Karkat's face.

"Promise?" Karkat questioned, looking into livewires vivacious green eyes.

"I promise." Livewire smiled.

Karkat took a deep breath and then carefully spoke each part of his name. "Karkat Vantas. That's my legal name from birth."

"Kitkat, you have the coolest name ever. Allbeit odd, but its fucking awesome."

"Quit while you're ahead, Yasmin." Karkat warned, his face flushed and looking sunburnt against the severely pale pigment of his skin.

"Okay. You know what? Since you were so cooperative and awesome, you can go ahead and take your shift tonight since you're already here." Livewire offers. "You better go strip because one of your usual sugar dolls is already here."

"Thanks, livewire." Karkat half-smiled.

Livewire gave him a hug and then abandoned the intimate tone for a lighter playful atmosphere. As Karkat walked through the door to the dressing room, Livewire slapped his ass. Karkat grinned and shook his head, flipping him off playfully before dropping his bag at his vanity and pulling out his gear. Arm warmers with thumb holes, black skin tight shorts, black fish net stockings, a skimpy black vest and his other belly button piercing,two cherries to match the tiny cherry decals on his vest and shorts. The way the cherries were arranged matched the cancer symbol.

"Hey Kitkat! Your new slits are the bomb. Where did you get them? They look custom." SuperNova complements as Karkat strips his hoodie off and slips into the vest as he slips into his own gear.

"I made them..." Karkat confesses, blushing as he slips his skirt off and goes to work on untying the corset.

"You have to make me a set." SuperNova says, slipping his flats on and going over to help Karkat. "Why do you wear this thing, Kitkat? Your ribs are busted and your sugars dolls are gonna dissolve real quick if you can't keep 'em satisfied."

"It helps my look though." Karkat lamely replies, allowing SuperNova to finish untying it.

"How do you even get this fucker on?" He asks, grunting unattractively as he pulls the last knot out.

"It's easier to get on than off." Karkat huffs, cringing as his broken ribs throb ans scream.

"Seriously, Kat, what the fuck are you doing?"

Karkat sighs before answering as he looks at the black bruising around his lower ribs. "Look, SuperNova, you can't tell anyone. You all know how I... Changed, right?" 

He looks at SuperNova who drops in Karkat's chair next to the vanity, handing him his Cherry Pop belly button piercing.

"Well, I'm thinking I might go full on when I get enough money. I'm tired of feeling like I'm offending you guys by going about the way I do- like I think you guys are shit and I just wanna be anything else. Fuck, it's just fucking stupid the way i feel about this and I gotta go full on before anyone finds out." He confesses and watches SuperNova's eyes practically come out of socket as his mouth sits open like a black hole.

"Cherry Pop, there's no fucking way Livewire will let you stay on if you do that and what about paying for your shit? Dude, you gotta think this through first."

"Look, SN, there's no fucking thought to it. I've always felt wrong and I think going full on is how to feel right." Karkat argues, slipping his g-string on before slipping the shorts on over. "I don't give a fuck what others say about it, it's my fucking body."

"But Kat, you're Cherry Pop for a reason. You're the only Virgin left here and you're the only one the younger, virgin Sugar Dolls trust. Let's not forget the bachelorette women. If they think you're gave or a virgin, you're golden and you've always been both. Besides, how is Livewire going to feel when he finds out his boyfriend is a girlfriend. He's fucking gay, Kat!" SuperNova argues, throwing your fish nets at you.

"I'll still be a virgin and my sugar dolls will still trust me, dumbass. think before you let bullshit bile flow from your sound hole." Karkat snaps, pulling the thigh-high fish nets up and pinning them to the garters. His face softens as he slips the vest on, pulling the cherry shaped buttons through the holes on the opposite side. "And Livewire.... He loves me no matter what."

"Let's hope so." SuperNova sighs and shakes his head. "What're you gonna do about those bruises? Your Sugar Dolls won't wanna see that shit."

"I was thinking a shit ton of concealer oughta do it." He explains, pulling out various bottles of concealer. "It worked when I gave Live that nasty hickey on his hip."

"Dude, fucking gross! What the fuck were you two doing?" SuperNova questions as Karkat grins, snapping his fish nets into place before slipping his flats on. "Ugh. Fuck, forget I asked! You two are fucking nasty as all hell."

Livewire walks up behind SuperNova on his way to check up on Karkat. He pauses right behind him and gestures what he plans to do as Karakt watches. Karkat shakes his head at Livewire's plan to knock him out of the chair, and again when he gestures snapping SN's g-string, mouthing 'that's nasty' before busting out in giggles.

"he's right behind me isn't he?" SuperNova frowns, his arms crossed over his chest.

Livewire smacks him upside the head and goes behind Karkat to wrap his arms around his waist from behind.

"Wow, SN, you're fucking retarded." Karkat chuckles as Livewire starts to do a number on the right side of his neck, cringing when Livewire moves a hand up to his lower ribs. "Shit- Fuck!"

"What's the matter, Kitkat? Are you okay? i didn't bite too hard did I?" Livewire questions after pulling back.

"That Fuckass broke his ribs with a shitty corset." SuperNova tattles, tossing the corset to Livewire as Karkat glares at him.

"What? What the fuck is this, Kat? What the fuck is this for?" Livewire demands, throwing it to the ground roughly.

Karkat scrambles to pick it up, gasping and gritting his teeth as his ribs scream out in protest. He tucks it in his bag, ripping the bow out of his hair and throwing it in as well. He avoids Livewires livid eyes as he pulls on his arm warmers, slipping his thumbs into the holes. Livewire notices the numerous bottles of concealer as Karkat pick one up. He rips it from Karkat's hand and pulls up the hem of the vest to find the horrible bruises and the various jagged breaks in Karkat's ribs.

Livewire's face contorts in disgust and grief as he questions Karkat in a voice as jagged and broken as Karkat's ribs. "What the fuck are you thinking? What the fuck? Why would you do this to yourself? Why the fuck didn't you say something? And you're fucking trying to cover it up?"

"It doesn't hurt that bad and they were already pretty fucked up before...." Karkat mumbles as he crouches to pick up the bottle of concealer. "I needed to do something..."

"What the fuck is that something? Kill yourself? You're about to puncture a fucking a lung!"

"No! It's Fine!" Karkat snaps defensively.


	3. Chapter 3

“Go. Kat, go to the hospital. Now. No arguing.” Livewire commands, shoving Karkat’s clothes and other odds and ends into the canvas bag and thrusting it at him.

“I can’t go.”

“Why the fuck not?”

“I don’t have health insurance right now.’

“You should have fucking thought about that before you broke your damn rib cage.” Livewire explodes, his face burning with anger.

Karkat cringes and takes deep breaths. A scene from his childhood flashes before his eyes:

“Mama I don’t wanna go with daddy he’s mean!” His older brother sobbed.

“I know baby, but mama can’t keep you…. Please go with daddy… I don’t want to see you get hurt…” She responded, her voice cracking as she embraced her six year old and his baby brother, only a year old.

The boy’s baby brother cried as their father yanked him from his mother’s arms and dragged his older brother behind.

“You should of thought about that before you went and fucked that bastard at work.” Their father had shouted, back-handing the older brother for resisting. Beating him relentlessly until it seemed the little boy wouldn’t get back up again and when he moved, the father made a move to strike again until the mother intervened, throwing herself over her oldest baby, sobbing her apology to him as the father began beating her. All the while, the mom’s youngest baby was sobbing desperately, scared of the man holding him and what might happen.

“HE RAPED ME YOU INSENSITIVE IDIOT!” His mother screamed at her former husband before breaking down in tears. She never was one to swear if she could help it.

*************  
“Get the fuck out of here. Now. Go get in your goddamn car and go to the hospital before I throw your ass in the back of mine and haul it to the emergency room.” Livewire demands still enraged as he rips Karkat’s bag from his hands.

Karkat breathes in raggedly as he slowly falters as he backs towards the wall and leans against it.

“Yasmin. Dude, take a breath….” Supernova pipes up, noticing Karkat slowly crumbling. “Look at your boyfriend. I mean, really look.”

Livewire closes his eyes, takes a few deep breaths, and slowly opens them. He looks at Karkat carefully; noticing the way he’s shaking, his breathing staggered and ragged, body tense, eyes clenched shut, and hands balled into fists. Karkat listens intently; waiting to hear things crash to the floor, the sound of breaking bones, a fist smashing in the wall next to him, or his pulse stopping… 

There was nothing.

Karkat slowly opens his eyes, tears welling up as he looks up through his false feminine eyelashes at Live, standing only inches away. His face is silk, smooth and sweet. Karkat can tell that he didn’t mean to do what he did. Yasmin would never shout at him, but he’s scared. He can see it in his vibrant green eyes.

“Kat… I’m so sorry… I- I didn’t mean to…” He apologizes, his face crinkling like tissue paper in the rain as tears stream down them.

“Don’t do that… Please just stop it…” Karkat cries into the curvature of Yasmin’s neck, his arms wrapping around Yasmin as his hands clutch his vest, grabbing handfuls of black shimmering fabric. 

“Tell me, please, what I did and I won’t do it again.” Yasmin responds, carefully holding Karkat in his arms as if he were a delicate little flower in danger of being crushed by an unobservant foot.

“Don’t yell… please don’t yell… Take me home… I wanna go home now…” Karkat sniffles, squeezing his eyes shut as he his breathing forces the busted to ribs to expand and contract, expand in contract, screaming out as if their integrity depended upon it. 

“Both of you go home.” Supernova encourages. “If Madame Grier finds you two like this and everyone gawking instead of working, especially with one of her best sugar dolls looking like he was beat to hell, we’re all screwed.”

“I’ll take you home. I promise.” Yasmin murmurs, delicately rubbing Karkat’s back as an infatuated girl would rub flower petals before plucking them and declaring whether her latest crush loves her or not. “Let’s get dressed and grab our gear, then we’ll head out, okay?”

“Okay… Can you help me? I’m afraid to move…” Karkat replies, shakily pulling away.

“Of course…” He murmurs as he slowly unbuttons Karkat’s vest.

“I’m gonna leave you two to it…” Supernova comments as he shudders and takes off towards the exit to the dressing room. “I knew those two were sick…”

“Yasmin…” Karkat hesitates, watching the way his boyfriend took the kind of care in undressing him that a mother would take with her newborn.

“What is it, kitkat?” Yasmin asks, pulling the vest off as if too rough a movement would cause Karkat to shatter like a glass vase.

“What if…”

“What if what?”

“What if I wasn’t who you thought I was…?” Karkat questions, averting his eyes towards the various racks of costumes behind the vanities. 

“Kitkat, I don’t care if you’re more comfortable in girls’ clothes, just as long as you’re the same person I started dating.” Yasmin chuckles, undoing the garters and slowly slipping the fishnets off of Karkat’s legs. “And I heard about your plan to go ‘full-on’ and I don’t care if that’s what you feel like is right because I’ll still know you like this…”

“No, it’s not that, but I’m glad that’s true.” Karkat sighs.

“Then what is it?” He asks, looking up at Karkat as he kneels on the ground, slowly and carefully pulling his shorts down as if his legs were in the state as his ribs. 

“What if I wasn’t the age you thought I was or even the kind of person you’ve known me as?”

“I don’t know. Is there something I should know?” Yasmin questions, a confused look on his face. 

“No, I was just curious…” Karkat lies, his heart pounding an anxious beat beneath the still intact ribs that keep it prisoner in his chest as his body starts to shake as if he were standing outside in the middle of winter in jeans and a tee.

There is a lot of adrenaline in lying.


	4. Hospitals, Happiness, and (Behavior) Health

Chapter 4         Hospitals, happiness, and (behavioral) health

After they were both dressed and packed up, Yasmin and Karkat left in Yasmin’s Nissan Altima, which was painted to look like a reflection of the universe. They were driving down one of the main roads when Karkat realized Yasmin wasn’t taking him home.

“Hey, Yasmin, I think you missed the turn…” He hesitantly points out.

“I know, Kat.” Yasmin’s voice betrays his guilt.

“Where are we going?” Karkat asks, his heart beating in his throat.

“I’m sorry, Kat, but you need to be there.” He apologizes as he nods towards the hospital, Marques Hospital.

“Yasmin, no, this isn’t a good idea.” Karkat protests, his ribs pulsing painfully as the adrenaline worsens from all the secrecy.

“Kat, there’s no arguing. You need to see a doctor.” Yasmin gently insists as he parks near the emergency room entrance.

“Damn it, Yasmin! I trusted you!” Karkat lashes ou, his voice cracking as he realizes how much worse things are about to get.

“Kat, I’m sorry, but you wouldn’t have gone otherwise.” He responds.

Yasmin gets out of the car. Karkat unbuckles, but stays where he is, putting his head between his knees despite the pain in his fractured ribs. Yasmin opens his door and coaxes him out. They slowly make their way to the check-in desk. Yasmin takes a slip for Karkat to fill out, which he does quite defensively as he tries to prevent Yasmin from seeing the first piece of damning evidence. Succeeding at hiding the evidence, Karkat relaxes as the nurse puts a wristband on his left wrist.

“Karkat?” The nurse calls.

Karkat has Yasmin stay in the waiting area while he goes to have his vitals checked. Karkat freezes as he recognizes the nurse, Ms. Maryam. Ms. Porrim Maryam. He prays to every higher power that she’s too invested in moving quickly as an ER nurse to recognize him.

“Okay, Mr. Vantas… Wait...” She pauses, her eyebrows scrunching as she double checks her charts.

“Shit.” Karkat breathes, looking down at his sweatshirt, skirt, converse shoes, and feminine cut tee.

“Karkat…. Vantas? Holy ship, you’re Kankri Vantas’s little brother!” Porrim connects, looking at him with a new recognition.

“I wish you hadn’t remembered me…” He mutters with a sigh.

“Why are you here?” She questions as she takes his weight, height, temperature, and finally pulse.

“I, um, got injured at work… It was a nasty accident…” Karkat lies, thinking it wasn’t entirely untrue.

After all, it was a nasty accident that happened to be discovered at work.

“Let’s see then. Where were you injured?”

Karkat lifts his shirt gingerly to reveal the bruised jaggedness.

“How does something like this happen?” She questions, carefully inspecting the various injuries and noting them in the file.

“I don’t remember…” He lies again.

“Is your brother here with you? Wait- what am I asking? Of course he is.” She continues. “Why don’t you go grab him and bring him in.”

“Um, I can’t…” Karkat confesses, looking down.

“Oh, Karkat” –he flinched at the use of his real name- “It’ll be fine. Just go grab him.” She encourages.

“No, I can’t because he’s not with me…”

“Then who is? Amy said someone brought you in.”

“My… My boyfriend made me come…” He sighs.

“Bring him in.” She commands.

Karkat obeys, leaving to retrieve his boyfriend. As the door closes, Porrim dials Kankri’s number and waits through the dial tone.

“Hello, you’ve reached Kankri Vantas.” A smooth voice purrs into the phone.

“Kankri, it’s Porrim. Where are you right now?” She replies.

“I’m at my apartment near UNF. Why?” He answers, the confusion apparent in his voice.

“You need to come to the hospital immediately.”

“What? Why?”

“Karkat is here- his boyfriend brought him in.”

“I’m on my way. Marques Hospital I presume?” He inquires.

“Yes. It’s pretty bad. He looks fine- until you lift his shirt.” Porrim informs him.

“Shit!” He swore- for the first time in his 28 years. “I’m coming- I’ll be there as soon as possible.”

Porrim hangs up, sighing, as Karkat re-enters with his boyfriend. Porrim glares at Yasmin, seeing a noticeable difference between the two in age. As she takes a deep breath, she frowns and scrunches her face like a balled up break up note.

“Who are you?” Porrim questions as they close the door.

“My name is Yasmin Goutierez, ma’m. I work with Kat and we’re currently dating. We’ve been together for almost five months.” Yasmin answers, delicately wrapping his arms around Karkat’s waist and resring his chin on Karkat’s shoulder as he nuzzles his shaking boyfriend.

“Karkat, do you know how old he is?” She interrogates.

“Yes.” Karkat sighs. “He’s 19.”

“Yasmin, do you realize how old Karkat is?”

“Of course, he’s 18.” Yasmin answers, confused by the question.

“See that’s where you’re wrong. He’s barely 15 years old.” She corrects.

“Porrim? There’s a man here saying he’s the brother of you patient- Kankri Vantas for Karkat Vantas.” Amy’s voice comes through the intercom.

“Send him in.” Porrim answers.


	5. Chapter 4 Cont.

Karkat's eyes open wide and begin to burn. After a few heartbeats, the door opens and Karkat shoves Yasmin away as Kankri starts to enter. Yasmin recoils, unsure of what to think as he connects the pieces for the first time. Kankri closes the door; puffy red eyes, sniffling, and dressed in sweats and flip flops. Porrim buries her face in her hands.

"Lift your shirt, Karkat." Porrim commands, her face still in her hands.

Karkat obeys and lifts his shirt. Kankri gasps and tenses, unsure of whether his first response should be anger or comfort.

"Amy will be coming to take him for x-rays shortly. I'll take you two to his room in the meantime. Amy will be his resident nurse and my mom his resident physician and psychiatrist. He's going to be admitted to the behavioral health unit. He's already lied about a lot and I'm seeing that his records reflect that he recently started therapy." Porrim explains. "He needs medical attention and- though off the record- I would love to give him a sex change, to put it nicely- I'm glad this stripper brought him in."

"Wait, how did you-"

"You reek of the Temptations night club. I went there with the girls for a bachelorette party one night." Porrim says. "Besides, it took me a minute, but I recognized you. You're the one they call Livewire. Unfortunately you have confirmed what I saw. I was hoping it was a freak coincidence but now I know its not. Karkat is the one they call Cherry Pop. You're quite the slippery actor, Karkat."

"You've been working at a strip club?" Kankri scolds, letting his anger win. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Kankri. Cool it." Porrim snaps.

Karkat shrinks into a corner, slipping down to the floor and curling up into a ball, feeling as if he were a small child again hiding while all the "adults were talking grown up." Yasmin stays by the door wanting answers even more than Kankri. Porrim stands defensively before going over to Karkat. Kankri drops into the chair near the bp monitor; he can't seem to understand all of this or why it's happening.

"Olkay, Karkat, sweetie, I need to take you with me-" Amy comes in; a sweet, average height brunette with periwinkle irises and her hair in a neat bob. "Is it alright if I take him or are you in the middle of something, Porrim?"

"I'm off for the night. I'll take these two to Karkat's room and stay with them. Go ahead and take Karkat for x-rays- he needs to get away from this." Porrim answers, coaxing Karkat out of the corner to Amy. "Come on, kitten, go with Amy. She's as sweet as sugar and she's gonna take you for a little while."

Karkat slowly makes his way to Amy and starts to relax as she takes his hand with a warm smile.

"Come with me, cutie. We'll start working to make you all better!" Amy soothes as she guides him to a wheel chair. "Go ahead and sit down, there's a blanket to keep your legs warm since its pretty chilly here."

Karkat situates himself in the wheel chair and Amy covers him from the waist down with the blanket. She wheels him through various corridors and up an elevator until she finally starts prepping him for a chest x-ray.

Meanwhile, Porrim escorts Kankri and Yasmin to an empty room in the behavioral health unit.. After herding them in and closing the door with her duffle bag over her shoulder, she turns to face them. 

"First of all, I will have you kicked out,  **both** of you, if you make any move that could potentially hinder Karkat's treatment, got it testosterone glands?" Porrim threatens. "Now why don't you two play connect the dots with each other Yasmin gets to start. Ya got that, sin stick?"

"Yes, ma'm, I deserve that." Yasmin replies. "I met Karkat during an interview in early september. He wanted work at Temptations Midnight Madness. He said he was 18 and looking to get a job that could help pay for his dorm and books and such. He confirmed that he was a virgin- though we don't actually hire based on that alone, it's just a bonus- as well as being gay.

"He was wearing a similar outfit to the one he wore today. Honestly, I didn't even know his real name until today, but that's how it goes sometimes so I hadn't questioned it. Most of us are ashamed of our job but it pays pretty well so we don't think on it much. He said he preferred Kat and not long after he got Cherry Pop."

"What happened to his ribs?" Porrim presses.

"Well, Kat had been talking about going full on for awhile now- by which i mean he wants to get a sex change instead of being transgender. He's been dressing more feminine to match his personality. He's so sweet and vulnerable-it made me want to protect him... Anyway, he came into work, but I tried to convince him to head home an study for finals. He said he couldn't afford to- even though I reassured him we had him covered. I asked him what was going on and to tell me something and he did, he finally told me his real name. I thanked him and said he could take his shift since he was already there and had told me honestly. So he started getting dressed and I left to check on the others and rally them for their shifts.

"When I came back to check on him, he was almost ready. I greeted him the way I usually would and came up behind him and started kissing his neck- admittedly to give him a hickey and a hard one- he had said that he liked the way i did it and how i shaped it to look like a yin and yang symbol- or rather the cursed cancer sign. He had cussed and cringed when I moved my hands up his waist. That's when SuperNova- one of our dancers at the club- spoke up. He had been hanging out with Kat while he was getting dressed. He said that Kat had busted his ribs and tossed a corset at me...."

"Christ, Kankri! How did you not know about all this?" Porrim criticizes.

"I only just transferred from UNI a couple weeks ago." Kankri answers, his voice as nebulous as his mind.

"Alright, finish explaining, Yasmin." Porrim instructs, crossing her arms over chest after dropping her duffle bag to the floor.

"Well I honestly blew up on him for being so reckless and crazy. I really scared him..." Yasmin continues, his voice soft and cracking like velvet wrapping paper. "I calmed myself down and apologized. He was crying as he asked me to never do it again. I held him and promised not to and asked him what I could do to make it up to him. He said he wanted to go home, but I took him here instead because it looked so awful and I was afraid he'd puncture a lung and die...."

"Well despite the fax that you're verging on being not only a cradle robber, but a pedophile too, I am glad and thankful you did." Kankri extends as he sits on the plain hospital bed that will soon be his younger brother's.

"Jegus, Kankri, do you even remember what those classifications mean?" Porrim questions, her fear masquerading as angry sarcasm as she rolls her eyes. "You did the right thing in this case when it comes to bringing him here, Yasmin."


	6. Committed and Dispirited

"Porrim, paging Ms. Porrim!" Amy's voice calls from the speaker of the phone at the nurses' station.

Porrim rushes out and snags the phone as she responds, "Yes, this Porrim. What's the update, Amy?"

"We'll be headed your way in about 15 minutes or so." Amy answers. "We're finishing the X-rays and I'm about to page Dr. Maryam."

"Alright. Shouls I have the guys stay in the activity room in case Karkat wants to see them before they leave?" Porrim inquires, glaring at Karkat's room.

"Yes. I'll ask him on the way to the unit what he wants to do."

"Thanks, Amy. I'll get them moved to the activity room. See you shortly." Porrim replies before hanging up.

Porrim speed walks into Karkat's room to inform the two theat they need to relocate. She halts and glares.

"Are you blind? How could you not tell that he's only 15!" Kankri snaps at Yasmin.

"Hey, Social Justice League, put a petition in it! Karkat will be on the unit in about 15 minutes but you hotheaded ditzes need to get into the activity room until Karkat says he wants to see you-if he even wants to. Honestly, I don't blame him if he wants all three of us gone." Porrim says flatly but harshly.

Knowing Porrim is ready to murder them both, Yasmin and Kankri hustles to the activity room. After all three settle in, Porrim looks expectantly at Kankri.

"You what I'm staring at you for. Spill it, Civil Crusader." Porrim commands.

"What do you want me to tell?" Kankri questions, looking confused and malevolent.

"Well what's been happening for the past four years?"

"Well, I went to UNI to study psychology and work towards a degree in counseling. Then after completing the necessary requirements, I got the degree and came home to start earning my Education degree." Kankri explains, purposely omitting the details that Porrim is looking for.

"Kankri, you're lying." Porrim accuses.

"I most certainly am not." Kankri argues.

"You're omitting what I want to know. That is a form of lying."

"What is it that you are wanting to know?"

"Why Karkat was able to take on a double life and Kanaya says he's struggling with everything and, yet, you are entirely clueless?" Porrim clarifies with venom in her tone.

"I wish you wouldn't do this." Kankri admits.

"I wish you would conduct yourself so it looks like you give _something_ about your baby brother."

"That was low."

"Not as low as not telling Karkat you're back and have been for weeks until he's in the hospital."

"You are so judgmental."

"Says the god of judgment."

"Stop. I'll exolain..." Kankri sighs, feeling the stinging truth of Porrim's words.

"Finally. Go ahead, get on with it." Porrim comments.

"When I moved to Iowa, I was broke- beyond broke- I was on the brink of serious debt. My scholarships were minimal and barely covered my tuition and fees. I worked whenever I wasn't studying and there was a shift open. I had saved up my measely funds and bought a disposable phone and a bike. However, keeping up with both quickly became impossible and I had no access to any other phones and I had to use public transportation. I had sold my car to get back here because it broke down during the trip up and was far too expensive to fix. If I wasn't at work or school, I was volunteering to try to maintain my weak grasp on my scholarships. But none of it was enough. I lost the scholarships and wracked up debt in the process of trying to get by. I started fasting during all of this and a few times, I was hooked up to an IV drip to make up for all the meals I missed. I took accelerated course and graduated early. At that point I was so homesick and I missed my little kitten so much that I finally pulled everything together to come home. I was encumbered with the cost of medications to manage the anxiety, depression and panic attacks I had started experiencing. My mind kept worrying that our father had hurt Karkat or that they would have disappeared somehow by the time I got back. I couldn't afford to do hardly anything. I couldn't even afford to write and send a damn letter...."

"Kankri, any number of us would have helped you if you would've sent word in any form..." Porrim sighs.

"With what? I couldn't afford anything. when I bought the disposable phone, I didnt realize how costly it was to even attempt to use it." Kankri sniffles as he starts to cry.

Meanwhile, Amy is walking down the corridor that leads to "the unit" with Karkat curled of in the wheel chair. She scans her ID and the doors open for her. She continues into the wing, pushing the wheelchair into an exam room through the first door on the right after entering said unit.

"Okay, sweetie, we've got to take your vitals again and then Dr. Maryam will come in to fix up your poor ribs." Amy tell him as she starts by taking his temperature.

"Will it hurt?" Karkat whispers timidly as she takes the thermometer from his mouth and continues.

"Unfortunately, sweetie. If I could magically heal you with no pain I would."

"What will she do?"

"She'll set your ribs and bandage them up." Amy answers, having him step up on the scale, taking his weight before helping him onto the exam table.

"Knock, knock!" Dr. Maryam, an older lady with a short haircut wearing a white coat over a blouse and long skirt with flats under a lab coat, says as she enters. "Hi, Karkat, sweetheart!"

"Hello..." Karkat murmurs.

"Unfortunately, I've gotta be the meanie who makes you hurt but I promise we'll make it all better!" Dr. Maryam apologizes. "Are you ready, sweetheart?"

"Can't I go home?" Karkat asks in a broken-hearted murmur.

"I'm sorry sweetheart, but we gotta keep you. We have to make sure you're okay first." Dr. Maryam sympathizes.

"Do you want your big brother to come in and hold your hand?" Amy offers, taking Karkat's hand.

"No..." He answers.

"Do you want me to?"

"Mmmhmmm...."

"Are you ready, sweetie?"

"Mmmmhmm..."

Holding Karkat's hand, Amy comforts him as Dr. Maryam starts setting his ribs into to place. Crying and screaming in pain, Karkat creates an almost electric and tangible tension between the three in the activity room.

"If either of you attempt to go to the exam room, I will have you thrown out." Porrim threatens as she recognizes the look in Kankri's eyes- the same one he had when Porrim and Mrs. Maryam were forcing him to let Karkat, a toddler at that time, self-soothe.

Finally the screaming stops, but there is still sobbing echoing into the activity room. Dr. Maryam steps out and quickly jots some notes down at the nurses' station before leaving the unit. Amy helps Karkat back into the wheelchair and wheels him into his room.

"Can you fill this cup for me real quick, sweetie?The sooner you can, the sooner we can give you something to ease the pain." She explains.

He nods and she wheels him into the bathroom, through a door just inside his room. She gives him a few minutes and he soon comes out with the little plastic cup filled and hands it to her.

"Okay, let's get you into bed." She wheels him over to the bed but he doesn't move. "Do you want your big brother, sweetie?"

Karkat nods, sniffling and still crying. Amy leaves to retrieve Kankri after putting the filled cup into a plastic bag and requesting the lab to pick it up for screening. Amy enters the activity and holds the door open.

"Mr. Vantas, please come with me." Amy asks, leading him to the front desk. "I need you to fill out some paperwork and then your little brother wants to see you."

"Wait, shouldn't our father be handling this?" Kankri questions as he looks through the forms.

"I don't see how he could." Amy responds, a bit baffled by Kankri's response.

"Why's that?" He asks, completely befuddled.

"Sir, our records show that your father is deceased and your father's will assigns you as legal guardian, which was apparently signed by you already and approved by the courts before his death." Amy answers, showing him the copies of the guardianship papers that he supposedly signed.

"Son of a bitch. That clever bastard..." Kankri mumbles, not upset with being Karkat's guardian, but at the sneaky way his father made it happen.

"I understand this may be stressful, but we need your consent to continue to treat." Amy prompts, handing hiim a pen.

"Alright." Kankri agrees, taking the pen and filling out the paperwork.

After a few minutes, Kankri finishes the paperwork and hands it back to Amy.

"Alright. Do you have any overnight things for Karkat? Is there any rituals or routines that you go through? Does he take any meds or have any allergies that you're aware of?" Amy asks.

"No, I don't have any of his belongings with me. For as long as I can remember Karkat has always suffered night terrors and I usually had him well, prepare for an accident. He also usually never sleeps alone either. But he doesn't take any meds or have any allergies to my knowledge. All of this is just... I swear it's a product of our father's behavior towards him." Kankri answers with a sigh and shakes his head.

"Could you tell me more about this before I let you head out to get some of his belongings?" Amy asks politely, trying not to be pushy about getting what she believes to be very relevant to Karkat's treatment.

"Of course. None of it's pleasant, I must warn you." Kankri takes a deep breath. "Where to start... When we were little our father managed to gain full custody of us after divorcing our mom, who was a very sweet lady that soon after- and I kid you not- died of a broken heart from the separation from us, and he was horrible man to say the least. He... He had beaten me while holding Karkat- who was only barely a year old- and our mom intervened by throwing herself over me... I remember Karkat was sobbing so much I thought he was going to die. I was probably... Probably 10 and eager to get the hell away from our father... He was abusive and I think he was on drugs... I know he was an alcoholic.... But I mean, things only got worse from there. Karkat was always scared to be alone and suffered from a lot of "internal behavior" symptoms that are seen in children who experience abuse from their parent or just their parent doing to others. I can't think of a time that he hasn't had an accident at night from being terrified of our father. I always kept him close to me, hell, I practically raised Karkat since I was ten. Now I'm 25 and he's 15 and I am a horrible parent because I didn't even know he was being so reckless..."

Kankri sniffles and shakes his head, fighting the impulse to cry in his guilt and shame.

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Vantas. If it's any consolation, you are here at a very critical time for him and I believe that you've done well because he's still around, ya know?" Amy comforts. "I appreciate you sharing that with me. You're free to run to the house and get some things for Karkat and come back, I'll be waiting for you to let you back on the unit."

"Thank you, Ms. Amy. I really appreciate that." Kankri responds, collecting himself and walking towards the doors to the unit.

"Kankri leaves, plugging the address into a secondhand GPS, and races to his former home. Retrieving the spare key from under the flower pot, as cliche as he still thinks it is he admits it's handy, Kankri unlocks the door and runs about the house, gathering clothes for Karkat, his blanket, his stuffed crab, his pillow, and his slippers. He locks up the house and makes a stop at the store on the way to the hospital to get some other essentials Karkat had apparently not been keeping up with. Racing back to the hospital as quickly as legally possible, Kankri takes deep breaths to compensate for his anxiety's imbalancing affects.

Kankri grabs the bags from the car after parking in the garage to the hospital as well as locking up the car and carries them to the doors of the behavioral health unit, waiting to be buzzed in. Amy lets him in and helps him carry the bags to Karkat's room.

"I'm just gonna check and make sure all of this meets our policy of being patient and unit friendly."Amy explains as she unpacks Karkat's things.

"Karkat?" Kankri says, approaching his baby brother after nodding to Amy.

Karkat stretches his arms out to Kankri, who recognizes Karkat's personal sign language for wanting to be picked up. Kankri picks him up, holding him like a toddler over his hips.

"I'm here, angel, I'm here." Kankri whispers, carefully clutching Karkat to his chest like a damaged porcelain doll.

"No you're not..." Karkat whimpers, crying more profusely.

"I am, for real. You can hear my breath and feel my heartbeating. I'm here." Kankri assures him.

"But you won't stay..."

"I will. I'll stay until May, that's when you're released or supposed to be..."

"May isn't long enough. I can't hold on till may..." He tells Kankri, who pulls back to look at him, his eyes are obviously blood shot and nebulous, his cheeks are stained with still flowing and dried tears alike, and beneath his puffy eyes are distinct dark circles.

"I don't understand what's happening with you... I thought you were okay while I was gone... Tell me what you need and I'll do it."

"Love me." Karkat sobs, looking his older brother in the eye as his lip quivers and his grip on Kankri's shoulders tightens.

 

 


	7. If only...

"Oh, Karkat, I do. I swear to God I do. Why would you think I don't?" Kankri says.

"You left me." Karkat answers.

"You seemed happy and home was safer than ever before. I needed to go to college."

"Then go." Karkat looks down hopelessly lost.

"No. I _will_ stay." Kankri gently insists, delicately pushing Karkat's chin up to look at him.

"What?" Karkat sniffles, his surprise echoes on his face.

"I _will_ stay."

"For how long?"

"As long as I'm needed."

"Promise?" Karkat questions.

"I promise _if_ you promise to tell me what's going on with you and cooperate when I try to help." Kankri qualifies.

"I promise." Karkat whispers as he buries his face in the curvature of Kankri's neck to hide the tiny waterfalls spilling from his eyes.

"okay. The only things that need to stay in his cubby under lock and key are the deodorant and floss." Amy informs the embracing brothers.

"Why wouldn't he be able to hold onto those things himself?" Kankri questions.

"Well, we understand that these things are necessities, but we can't allow him to keep them because he could use them to harm himself. He could ingest the deodorant or try to well..." Amy explains, making a gesture of how Karkat could use the floss to strangle or hang himself in an attempt to ease the bluntness of the generalized accusation.

"jeez....Please do then." Kankri shudders.

"Alrighty then, I'll leave you two alone now." Amy smiles before leaving with the items that will be placed in Karkat's cubby.

"Do you want help getting ready for bed?" Kankri asks.

"Mmmmhmmm..." Karkat answers.

"Should I do the routine I used to when you were little?"

"Mmmmhmmm..."

"Alright, let's get you into the bathroom and start the bath water."

"You can't."

"Why's that?"

"There's not tub or shower in my bathroom."

"Hmmm, well, let's go see Amy then."

Kankri carries Karkat, who is no bigger than when he was in 5th grade, to the nurses' station. As Karkat sees Yasmin in the activity room, he cringes and tenses- much to his ribs' dismay.

"Buggaboo, what's the matter?" Kankri asks.

"Why's he still here, Kayri?" Karkat responds.

"Who? Yasmin? They thought that you might want to say goodbye to him before he leaves." Kankri frowns, also harboring the desire for Yasmin to not be there. "Why do you ask?"

"He scares me, Kayri... He can get as angry and mean as father, though Yasmin didn't hit me like father would..." Karkat explains in a small voice.

"Shhh, it's okay. Porrim won't let him near you unless you ask her to." Kankri soothes.

"What can I do for you?" Amy asks.

"Karkat wants to take a bath before turning in for the night." Kankri informs her.

"Alright. I'll grab some towels, the soaps, and the cover for his bandages and come get you, okay?" Amy replies.

"Alright." Kankri answers.

"Kayri? Will you sing to me like your used to?" Karkat murmurs.

"Of course, angel." Kankri answers, kissing his cheek. "Hush little kitten, don't make a sound. If you're lost, you'll soon be found. But that'll never happen 'cause I'm always around. Don't listen to the shouting, focus on my whisper. I love you my angel, you're what I wished for. I'll never leave you any more. So let your heart heal, I know it's sore but you'll never have to hear another slamming door. I'm sorry if I scared you before. I'll always kiss away your tears and scars. Then we'll go watch the stars. So hush little kitten cause I'll always be around."

"Okay, come with me. Either one of us needs to stay with him. You can guess why..." Amy says as she ushers them into the room with the bath tub and a single plastic chair next to a massive navy laundry bin.

"I'll stay with him." Kankri informs her as she sets everything on the chair.

"Alrighty. Give a shout if you need anything." Amy responds as she exits.

"Are you ready buggaboo?" Kankri asks.

"Mmmhmm..." He responds.

Kankri sets him on the edge of the tub and takes his hospital issued socks off. He then proceeds to take the gown off and pauses. A few tears escape as he looks at the pink-tinged bandages. Kankri shakes his head and finishes undressing Karkat. He starts the water and covers the bandages before helping Karkat into the tub.

"Kayri..."

Karkat's voice is muted and timid as he peers up at his brother.

"What, angel?" Kankri sniffles, shutting the water off as it reaches Karkat's waist.

"Are they my fault?"

"What?"

"Your tears..."

"They're not your _fault_. It hurts to see you hurt. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, carefree, and safe."

"Was... was _it_ my fault?" Karkat hesitates.

"Baby, you have to be more specific." Kankri says as he smiles sadly.

"You leaving and going so far away..."

"No, kitten, it wasn't. Going to Iowa was something I chose because it seemed like the best place for me at the time."

"But why isn't it my fault?"

"Because the only thing that's your fault is not getting help from people who could help you here."

"But father said you were supposed to be the one to help me and care for me..." Karkat says, his eyebrows scrunching in confusion.

"Buggaboo, father was a bad man. The only thing he did right after he had us with mama was putting you under my care."

"Why'd you leave me?" Karkat cries as Kankri soaks his hair as carefully as if he were an infant.

"Shhh, baby. I had to. If I didn't, I wouldn't be able to care for you now." Kankri soothes, kissing his baby brother's forehead. "Please trust me."

"I do..."

"Then believe that I did it because I had to." Kankri tells him as he continues to bathe Karkat. "Do you still have your night terrors, baby?"

"Yes...." He murmurs as Kankri kisses his damp forehead once again. "They got worse when you left. I oncr dreamed that it was because I was cancer that might make you sick and eventually go away forever so you ran away from me..."

"Shhh, baby. It was only a night terror. You were scared, that's all." Kankri soothes.

"Are you gonna make me wear them, kayri?" Karkat asks, an embarrassed flush lighting his face.

"If you're still having accidents." Kankri answers simply. "Be honest, baby. It'll only hurt you if you don't tell me the truth."

"I am..." Karkat murmurs, looking down as tears like hot wax drizzle down his cheeks, ashamed of his inability to get over his bed-wetting issue.

"Angel, it's okay. You know what I learned while I was writing a research paper for my psychology class?" Kankri asks.

"No..."

"Since you've experienced what is usually referred to as Inter Parental Violence or IPV, it's perfectly normal for you to have accidents at night- even at your age."

"I don't understand..."

"Well father and mama always had a bad relationship and theirs meant that a lot of shouting, breaking things, and other scary things were happening a lot- even before you were born and in mama's tummy. Having been around that your whole life, you became one of the two types of children that situation produces, which is either internal or external. You became internal. Ever since you were born, you were different from a lot of other little ones. You often refused to nurse, you cried when there was no real reason, but you never cried otherwise.

"From there on, you had trust issues and struggled with potty training, self-soothing, and numerous other things. Even I couldn't make you feel okay for the longest time..." Kankri elaborates with a troubled expression.

He drains the bath water and helps Karkat out of the tub, wrapping him in a warm fluffy towel. Not trusting Karkat's legs, Kankri picks Karkat up bridal-style and carries him to his room. He dresses his baby brother, whose mobility is limited horribly by numerous broken ribs, and tucks him into bed. He lay's Karkat's blanket over the sterile hospital beddingand kisses his forehead before attempting-futilely- to leave Karkat's side.

"Kayri! No! Don't- don't leave!" Karkat panics, practically screeching the plea as he throws himself out of bed.

"Karkat!" Kankri shouts in alarm as Karkat starts to collapse in pain from his breathing becoming ragged.

Kankri runs to Karkat, barely catching him before he can hit the floor.

"Karkat!" Amy shouts as she bursts through the doorway and into the room.

"I've got him." Kankri breathes, his heart pounding in his chest like a sledge hammer against a load bearing pillar as he sits on the floor, cradling Karkat in his arms and rocking from side to side a little in attempt to calm himself and Karkat.

"I've got pain meds for him. I think you should definitely stay tonight." Amy sighs in relief. "Sweetie, you can't scare us like that!"

"I'm sorry..." Karkat mutters as he clings to Kankri who holds him close.

"Hey! Get back in there or get out!" Porrim shouts out in the hall as footsteps are heard echoing in the hall.

"Karkat! Are you okay?" Yasmin pants as he comes towards the huddled brothers.

"Mr. Goutierez! You have no clearance to be in the patient's room. I'm afraid you're going to have to leave!" Amy snaps as Karkat buries his face in Kankri's chest.

 "Yasmin, I suggest you leave before things get ugly. I will not allow you to terrorize my baby-brother. Baby brother." Kankri quickly adds, flushing at his slip up.

"You- walking STD magnet- get the hell out of the hospital before we have to make sure you can never set foot on the premesis." Porrim threatens, entering the room, also panting and thoroughly enraged.

"I will not hesitate to call security, Mr. Goutierez." Amy reinforces Porrim.

"I- I only came to make sure he's okay..." Yasmin pathetically defends himself.

"Do you see this child?" Kankri snaps. "He is far from okay and now you're scaring him. _He is afraid of you_."

"Mr. Goutierez, leave. We will contact you if we need to." Amy commands, blocking him from Karkat.

"Okay...I'm sorry..." Yasmin apologizes, exiting with his eyes cast down in shame.


	8. Accidents and Surprises

"I'll be back tomorrow." Porrim sighs as she follows Yasmin out after throwing her bag over her shoulder.

"I'll let you two get settled. Goodnight." Amy says before leaving.

"Karkat, do you care to explain what you just did?" Kankri demands as his voice cracks.

"I don't wanna be alone anymore... The night is deadly and it's worse when I'm alone..."

Karkat's lip trembles as his voice cracks as well as he admits his weakness.

"Oh, kitten, I have to pee you silly little boy." Kankri replies with an attempt at lightheartedness by trying to chuckle a bit.

"Oh..." Karkat murmurs as he flushes.

"Will you stay in bed and try to sleep if I go to the bathroom and then go get your meds and come back?"

"Yes..."

"Alright. stay put and I'll be back as quick as you can say 'why arent you back yet.' Okay?"

"Okay..."

Kankri tucks Karkat in once again, nestling his stuffed crab in his grasp. Kankri fast walks to the bathroom and after washing his hands, goes to the nurses' station and catches Amy's attention.

"Did you need somthing, Mr. Vantas?" She asks.

"Please, call me Kankri. And yes. Can Karkat start taking his pain meds tonight before he falls asleep?"

"Of course. I'll go give them to him while you get settled in." Amy replies as Kankri goes to the bathroom in Karkat's room to change.

He hurriedly changes into a pair of black and white plaid pajama pants and a UNI tee that one of his classmates got for him as departure present. He goes back over to Karkat as Amy leaves.

"Riri, I'm so tired..." Karkat murmurs as Kankri slides the other bed up against his.

"I know. It's time to go nigh-night, baby..." Kankri responds as he climbs under the covers and cuddles with Karkat, kissing his forehead.

"Riri, will you still be here when I wake up?"

"Of course. I'll help you change your pants and get ready for the day. But I gotta go for a little while to get cleaned up and get some things that I'm gonna need so I can stay with you, okay?"

"Mmmmhmmm...." Karkat yawns as he cuddles closer to his brother, clutching his stuffed crab in one hand.

"Nigh-night, baby. I love you."

"I love you more!" Karkat sleepily declares.

"I know you do..." Kankri chuckles and blows kisses on Karkat's cheek as if he were still 2 years old.

"Riri, stop!" Karkat giggles, burying his face in his brother's chest. "I'm 15 you know."

Kankri sighs and swallows before he answers, "I know... But... I'll never stop seeing you as the baby I raised...."

"kk..." Karkat yawns again, actually falling asleep this time.

Kankri sleeps for a little while, waking up around midnight to find a peculiar sight. Karkat is lying half way on top of him, sucking his own thumb- something he had never done before. Kankri runs his fingers through his baby brother's hair, lightly stroking it this way and that. He watches the way Karkat's chest moves as he breathes and the way he clutches the crab to his chest like he might die if he left the crab anywhere but clinging to his chest.

"I missed you... You may not think so, but I did.. I miss you now, even though you're right here... I screwed up Karkat... I should have stayed down here with you..." Kankri murmurs, a yawn or two interjecting itself into the sentiment.

Kankri continues to watch Karkat sleep, eventually finding himself nodding off as his body realizes it can relax for real.

Or not.

Karkat startles awake, sobbing, and Kankri finds himself more alert than when he almost got hit by car whose driver was texting while driving.

"Hey, hey, shhhh, it's okay, baby." Kankri soothes, pulling Karkat onto his chest and gently rubbing his back as he kisses his cheek. "Lookie, it's Riri, and you have mr. cuddles right there in your hand. You're okay..."

"Where am I?" Karkat sobs, clinging to Kankri, who instantly panics at the question- he's too old to truly get scared and truly not remember, but he'll never be too old for a panic disorder.

"Shhh, baby, you're right here with me. We're at the hospital having a sleepover because you got hurt really bad and they are gonna make you all better." Kankri reminds him.

"Riri..." Karkat hiccups and sniffles, looking up Kankri.

"What's the matter, buggaboo?" Kankri asks, rubbing the tip of his nose against the tip of Karkat's.

"I think... I need to go..." Karkat answers.

"Buggaboo, did you have an accident?"

"Yes..." Karkat mumbles, looking down in embarrassment.

"Okay, let's make it better. What happened to make you have one?"

"I had a really bad sleep movie..." Karkat answers as Kankri gets up and then picks him up.

"What happened in your scary sleep movie?"

"I dreamed of cancer again... it was in me and making me feel bad and do bad things and then when i thought i got rid of it, it went to you and it was really scary... the cancer hurt you really bad and made your insides into your outsides.... It was really scary..." Karkat cries, clinging to Kankri as they go to the bathroom.

"Baby, that's never gonna happen. You're still a little kitten, of course you're gonna do some bad stuff, but that's because you don't know the stuff is bad when you do it. Cancer is never gonna get either of us." Kankri assures him as he helps him change.

"But father died of cancer... it was bad and scary.... he almost didn't exist..." Karkat sniffles, as he pulls his pj pants back on and washes his hands with Kankri.

"Baby, just because father got it doesn't mean we will. Cancer isn't something that father can pass on to us." Kankri reassures his little brother.

"I'm still sleepy, Riri, but I don't wanna see the bad sleep movies..." Karkat admits, raising his arms out to his big brother.

"You won't. I'll sing you your favorite song and then you'll only be able to see good sleep movies. Dreams." Kankri promises as he picks Karkat up and kisses his cheek.

"Okay..." Karkat murmurs.

"Lets go cuddle with Mr. Cuddles, huh..."

"uh huh..." Karkat yawns.

Kankri settles into bed with Karkat cuddled close and Mr. Cuddles, the stuffed crab, squished between them. Karkat, without thinking, puts his thumb in his mouth and rests his head so he can listen to Kankri's mellow heart beat. Kankri opens his mouth to ask about the new reflex, but decides against it. He sings "If my heart was a house" by Owl City as Karkat falls asleep once more.

"I missed so much, didn't I?" Kankri murmurs, which Karkat seems to make a sound of confirmation causing Kankri to do a double-take before realizing it was actually completely random.


	9. Karkat's Day Terrors

Around 7.30 in the morning, a nurse comes in while Kankri is watching Karkat sleep in his arms, his thumb still in his mouth and Mr. Cuddles still squished between him and Karkat. The nurse is wheeling in a small cart with her that has the necessities for a blood draw.

"Good morning, Kankri! My name is Evan and I'm gonna take just a little blood sample before we get Karkat started on his breakfast and activities."  He introduces himself, beginning to prep for the blood draw. "I'm gonna have to wake him up for this."

"Is there any way you could let him sleep?" Kankri inquires, displeasure clear on his face.

"No, because we don't want him getting scared and confused because he doesn't know what happened." Evan answers with a sympathetic smile. "Believe me, I hate to wake up the kids because a lot of them just never seem to sleep until they're here..."

"Alright, I understand. Please let me wake him, he's well definitely not a morning person and most certainly not a needle person- he's even afraid of sewing and knitting needles." Kankri informs Evan.

"Of course. We try to make them as comfortable as possible." Evan encourages.

Kankri strokes Karkat's hair out of his face and kisses his forehead.

"Buggaboo... Guess who?" Kankri says in a soft voice as he rubs Karkat's cheek.

"I'm sleepy..." Karkat whines, burying his face in Kankri's chest promptly re-inserting his thumb into his mouth after replying.

"I know, baby, but we have to get up and there's a sweet guy named Evan here to meet you." Kankri empathizes as he yawns himself.

"Riri, I'm tired..." Karkat whines again before rolling onto his back next to Kankri and rubbing his eyes with Mr. Cuddles still firmly in his grasp.

"I know, baby. But we both gotta get up now." Kankri tells him, rolling onto his side and putting his left arm over Karkat's small body.

"Hi there, Karkat! I hear you're not much of a mornin person. I hope you won't be upset with me for trying to get you up so early.

"Hmm unnn..." Karkat responds.

"Now, I have to do something with you but you can stay right there with your big brother. I want you to be comfy while I do this okay?" Evan says.

"Uh?" Karkat looks to Kankri with confusion and fear on his face.

"It's okay, Kitten. He's just gotta give a quick pinch and tiny pull for a few seconds and then it'll be all done- no more." Kankri tells him.

"MMmmmmm..."

"Shhh, it's okay..." Kankri comforts him. "I'll be right here the whole time. Just focus on me, baby."

"Alright, buddy, I'm gonna tie this on your arm and then I'll do the rest superquick and painless. You'll never even know I'm doing anything icky." Evan reassures him as he ties the elastic band on Karkat's right upper arm. "Just keep your attention on big brother and you'll never know I did a thing."

Evan takes the needle and inserts it in Karkat's arm- much to Karkat's dismay. He connects the vile to the tubing attached to the needle and waits as the blood drips into the little vile. Karkat is unable to take his eyes off this whole process and begins to cry, afraid of what's happening and what may happen after.

"No more... get it out! Please! No more!" Karkat cries.

"Awww, I'm sorry, buddy, it'll be over in just a few more seconds. You're doing great." Evan comforts with a sympathetic smile.

"Hey, baby, lookie, over here, look at Riri." Kankri attempts to distract. "Oh, baby, shhh... I'll sing your song okay?"

This catches the tearful Karkat's attention and he looks to Kankri.

"You're the sky that I fell through and I remember the view whenever I am holding you. The sun hung from a string, looking down on the world as it warmed over everything. Chills run down my spine as our fingers entwine and your sighs harmonize with mine. Unmistakeably, I can still feel your heart beat fast when you dance with me... Circle me and the needle moves gracefully, back and forth, if my heart was a compass, you'd be north. Risk it all 'cause I'll catch you if you fall. If my heart was a house you'd be home..." Kankri sings.

"Hey, buddy, all done! You did really great. You can pinch me if it'd make you feel better about me pinchin you." Evan encourages, holding his arm out for Karkat to pinch.

"Uh uh." Karkat sniffles, rolling over and clinging to Kankri.

"Thanks, Evan." Kankri offers as he smiles sadly up at the nurse.

"I'm sorry I had to do it. I'll be here for the day and Ms. Amy will be back tomorrow- we rotate every other day. We might be getting another child on the unit today so maybe that will help Karkat feel a little better about being here." Evan responds, packing up the stuff from the blood draw. "They'll bring some breakfast for Karkat shortly and then he'll need to get ready for his morning meditation."

"I'll make sure he does." Kankri says, kissing the top of Karkat's head.

"Alright, see you later, buddy." Evan says, rubbing Karkat's back before leaving.

"Kayri, that wasn't nice!" Karkat hiccups as he sniffles.

"I know, but he had to." Kankri reminds. "Are you ready to change your pants and get ready for the day?"

Karkat sniffles and nods. Kankri kisses his forehead before picking him up and taking him to get dressed. By the time they finish, Evan has already left a tray with Karkat's breakfast on the otherwise bare desk.

"Are you ready for breakfast, huh?" Kankri asks.

"Yeah... I guess..." Karkat says, stills clinging to Kankri, who is attempting to set him down in the wooden chair next to the desk.

"Karkat, aren't you going to sit down and eat breakfast?"

"On your lap... yes..."

Kankri rolls his eyes, remembering this trick from when he still lived at home with Karkat. He sits in the chair and situates Karkat on his lap. Finally content, Karkat eats a little bit of his breakfast and then leans back into Kankri.

"You should finish your breakfast, buggaboo." Kankri encourages, bouncing Karkat a little.

"Hmmm mmm..." Karkat disagrees.

"Buggaboo, you're gonna get hungry fast if you don't."

"Hmmm mmm... I'm 15. I can do more than I used to be able to..."

"Maybe so, but every teen is almost famished almost all the time. You have a growing body that needs all that food."

"You sound like my teachers..."

"Because as your guardian, I am a kind of teacher."

"I'm full..."

"Karkat, please just finish your breakfast, you are acting like a toddler." Kankri responds.

"I am not!" Karkat snaps.

"That was more you're age but you're still under my care and I have to make sure you're healthy and safe and as happy as I can influence."

"I'm fine."

"Karkat, you promised to cooperate."

"I am, I ate."

"You know what I mean, Karkat."

"I wish you wouldn't keep calling me that..." Karkat mumbles.

"What else am I going to call you when I'm not happy and having to be strict and not so nice?" Kankri questions.

"Kat. My name it Kat." Karkat answers.

"Since when?"

"Since I found out."

"Found what out?"

"That I'm supposed to be a girl..."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm supposed to be a girl but I got the wrong body, I got a boy body when I shoulda got a girl's..." Karkat explains.

"Is that why you wanna wear dresses and skirts?" Kankri asks, starting to pull some things together.

"Yes. It's me."

"okay. That's fine with me but you still have to listen to me, Kat."

"Okay..."

"Please finish your breakfast, buggaboo."

"Alright..." Karkat caves.

Karkat finishes his breakfast just before Evan comes to get him for morning meditation.

"Time for meditation, buddy. All of us have to go to the activity room with Ms. Elrose." Evan says with an enthusiastic smile.

Karkat just nods, not looking at Evan.

"Baby, I have to go get some stuff for my stay here okay? They'll be keeping you busy while I'm gone so you'll be fine and no one's gonna leave you alone." Kankri reminds Karkat.

"No! You said you would stay..." Karkat argues.

"Karkat, we talked about this last night. I have to pick some things up and I'll be right back, ok?"

"Fine..." Karkat says, shutting himself out.

"Give me kisses, I'll be right back." Kankri says.

"Kisses are for babies. I'm a teen. We don't give kisses..."

Kankri sighs as he watches Karkat slowly make his way to the activity room. He takes off and rushes to get everything together so he can get back to Karkat- and his sanity- sooner. As meditation lets out, Karkat is herded back to his room until the next activity while Kankri parks in the garage once again. Karkat curls up in bed clinging to Mr. Cuddles as his fear starts to eat away at him. Just before Evan comes to retreive Karkat for music therapy, Kankri arrives on the unit and allows them to go through his stuff. Evan helps him carry his belongings to Karkat's room and get them tucked inside the giant wooden cubby.

"Hey, buddy! It's time for music therapy with ms. Hannah. Guess who's coming with you?" Evan says, squatting next to Karkat's bed.

Karkat wipes his eyes and sniffles before asking, "Who?"

"How about the 25 year old who changed your diapers when he was only 10?" Kankri grins, coming around the bed.

Karkat reaches his arms out to him, leaving Mr. Cuddles tangled in the blankets. Kankri smiles and picks him up.

"Can I have kisses now?" Kankri asks, resting his forehead against Karkat's.

Karkat smiles a little and nods before kissing Kankri on the lips a few times, it was motion similar to the French practice of kissing the person's cheeks as a greeting, the way Kankri kissed him when he was a baby- though they lived in the South, they were still midwestern at heart, which is where they picked up the practice.

"Let's go meet Ms. Hannah." Evan says, leading Kankri to one of the other recreation rooms and opening the door for him.

"Hello! My name is Hannah and I am going to do some musical things with you." Hannah introduces herself.

Kankri sits down in one of the chairs and situates Karkat on his lap.

"You are such a little cutie! What's your name, honey?" Hannah says, sitting down in one of the other two chairs, leaving Evan to sit next to the brothers while Hannah sits across from them.

"Tell her your name, buggaboo." Kankri murmurs in Karkat's ear and kisses his cheek.

"Kat..." Karkat answers in a timid voice.

"That seems to suit you! You look like you could be very cuddly like a kitty." Hannah comments. "And who's your extra cushion?"

"My name is Kankri. I'm Kat's daddy."

"Aww, is he shy?"

"He's... How do i phrase this... He has a lot of trust issues and he's very sensitive."

"Daddy..." Karkat breathes, feeling an urge to smile and panic at the same time.

"What's the matter, baby?" Kankri asks him.

Karkat just shakes his head.

"Are you sure?"

"mmmhmmm..."

"Well, shall we? I hear a certain feline like person loves Owl City..." Hannah says and Karkat blushes.


	10. Growing Up Vantas Without Advantages

After music therapy with Ms. Hannah and Evan, Karkat is told that he has free time for the rest of the day.

"We don't have much scheduled because we were in quite a lull until you came." Evan explains. "So naturally we aren't as prepared as we usually are. You pretty much have free reign of the unit for now, though I seriously suggest that you work on your leveling papers, which will give us an idea of how much help we need to give you before you can go home."

"Don't worry, he'll work on them. There's not much else for him to do, even with me here." Kankri responds, running his fingers through Karkat's messy black hair.

"I'm afraid that we can't give Kat any pain meds until after his next blood draw tomorrow morning." Evan adds with a regretful frown.

"Why can't he take them? He has broken ribs that make it hard to breathe." Kankri questions as Karkat stiffens and looks up at him in fear.

"Because the blood work was tainted by the presence of the pain meds and we need to see if there's anything we need to treat. The pain meds alter the blood work results enough that's it's hard to tell if he has anything else that may need attention."

"Like what?"

"For example, a urinary tract infection or if he's coming down with something like a cold or the flu."

"He's healthy other than his behavior that led to his broken ribs." Kankri assures Evan, holding Karkat closer as he starts to shake at the idea of all the pain coming back worse than it is.

"I am sure and I'm sorry, but I have to follow protocol. On the bright side, we can allow Kat to stay on bed rest until he can start taking pain meds again." Evan offers, not the least bit comforted himself that his patient has to suffer in order for the hospital to keep to protocol.

Karkat starts to tremble more as the pain starts to pick up again. He pulls on Kankri's shirt as his lip starts trembling as he anticipates the pain.

"Alright. I understand." Kankri sighs, rubbing Karkat's back. "Come on, Kitten, let's get you in bed before it starts hurting too bad."

"Riri, it hurts..." Karkat whimpers, tightening his grip.

"I know, baby, I know. Come here, let's go snuggle up, cuddle crab." Kankri releases Karkat's grip and picks him up.

Karkat starts to cry as the throbbing turns to piercing while Kankri lays him down on the bed.

"It hurts.... It hurts b-b-bad..." Karkat cries, trying to curl up in a ball on his side, finding it intolerably painful and rolls onto his back.

"I know... Shhhh, it'll go away. You wanna look at pictures that I brought with me?" Kankri asks, grabbing the photo album from one of the wood cubbies and climbing onto the bed with Karkat.

"Mmmhmmm...." Karkat replies as Kankri sits him up so that he can slip behind his baby brother, who is situated to sit between Kankri's legs while laying back against his big brother's chest.

"Hey, buggaboo, lookie." Kankri says, pointing to a picture of Karkat on his first birthday sitting with Kankri the way they are currently sitting. "You always loved to cuddle. Do you remember how we always slept cuddled up in bed?"

'No..."Karkat breathes, sniffling a bit.

"What! Of course you do!" Kankri teases. "You used to say that I was too big to sleep in the same bed with you."

"I don't remember..."

"I was already eleven years old and you had just turned one. We both were awful about going to bed." Kankri reminisces. "Mama found that we would actually try to sleep if we were in the same bed, but you absolutely refused to stay in bed if you were in my bed."

"So what did Mama do then?"

"Just look at the next page." Kankri says, kissing the top of Karkat's head as he turns the page. "She put both of us in your crib and we would just cuddle there quietly even if we weren't able to sleep. I clearly occupied a lot of space, which is why you used to get all squirmy and put your hand in my face trying to push me away when you felt squished."

Kankri squeezes Karkat a little, to which Karkat responds like he did when he was little, pushing Kankri's face away as if that were the magic gesture to get him to stop. The two laugh a little until Karkat cringes from the discomfort and pain.

"Do you remember anything from when you were a baby?"

"I remember throwing fits when I was little and you were at school while I was at home..."

"I remember those. You were still going by the time I got home." Kankri chuckles. "You would be pouting and toddle up to me, demanding that I hold you."

"I used to start crying if you didn't do it right away, even if you were just trying to set your stuff down..."

"Yep. You were very possessive. If mama gave me a hug, you would just drop to sitting on the floor and start crying."

"Father yelled at me to stop...."

"Father was an idiot."

A moment passes before Kankri sighs, putting the photo album to the side and wrapping his arms around Karkat.

"Will you tell me stories, Kayri?"

"What stories, baby?"

"The ones about us growing up together. I like them...."

Just then a knock comes on Karkat's door and a lady, very curvy and sweet looking with long brown hair in a nice blouse and dress pants, enters the room.

"Hi. My name is Ellis. I am the therapist for the unit. They told me to wait and come in tomorrow since you're the only one here, but I came anyway." She introduces herself.

"Hello, Ms. Ellis. My name is Kankri, I'm Kat's daddy."

"I'm Kat..." Karkat says in a small voice.

"It's nice to meet you. You look like a little kitty cat, all sweet and cuddly." Ellis responds.

"Oh he is. I could never get a moment where he wasn't hanging all over me." Kankri teases.

"He had to go to school for that." Karkat grins a little without looking at Ellis.

"Well at least you two are very close. It's important that you have someone to rely on." Ellis encourages. "So, I wanna start our little session by getting an idea of what Kat was like then so that we can start to sort out what's going on now. Some things make sense if you look back at what led up to them."

"Okay..." Karkat agrees, playing with Kankri's left hand.

"You actually came just in time then. I was just about to start telling baby Kat stories." Kankri tells her with a soft smile on his face.

"Excellent. I would love to hear them." Ellis comments.

"Well, let's see... Before Kat was born, our parents were not nice to each other, so Kat was not happy around them unless he was alone with Mama. He couldn't seem to get enough of me. He had caoulic as a baby, so he didn't sleep well and he cried a lot. I was a bad sleeper too at the time, which I was 10. Mama would lay him down for a nap and I would take a nap with him since I never really slept well. That's when she saw that letting us sleep together was the key to getting us to sleep at all. Kat hated being by himself. He never wanted to be alone. When I had to go to the bathroom, I would go by myself of course but he wasn't having it." Kankri explains.

"What do you mean by he wasn't having it?"

"Well, I would get in the bathroom and close the door and all of a sudden I would hear Kat banging his little hands against the door and sobbing like well, like he'd been really badly hurt. But he never was. One day, I let him follow me into the bathroom and still shut the door. It was like a totally different universe then."

"How so?"

"Instead of crying and panicking, he just layed down on the bath mat and played with the shower curtain and his feet. He just layed there content while I did what I went in there to do. Then, after I washed my hands, he would crawl up to me and reach out towards me and even start giggling."

"Huh... So he seemed to have really severe separation anxiety?"

"I would agree if it weren't for the fact that type of reaction hasn't gone away. I mean I blame our father. He encouraged Kat in a way because he would never hit Kat if he was crying and really didn't want anything to do with him if he needed changed."

"What makes you think that was some sort of encouragement?"

"Kat, you should tell her this."

"Okay..." Karkat sighs, gripping Kankri's hand and holding it under his chin. "I still have to wear pull-ups at night because I have accidents..."

"He's always had trouble with any sort of potty training." Kankri elaborates. "He was in diapers until he turned seven. It wasn't until he turned 10 that he only wore pull-ups at night. I mean, like I said, our father wouldn't go near Kat if he cried or wet himself and given that Karkat was still afraid of father, it wasn't that surprising that Kat had such a hard time potty training. I had tried a million different ways to get him to start potty training and it just wasn't working."

"So, just to clarify, you're Kat's older brother?"

"Yes."

"Why does he call you daddy?"

"Because I'm the one who's been raising him and our father is deceased and I'm Kat's legal guardian."

"What happened to your mom?"

"She died of a broken heart..." Karkat says in his small voice.

"Ah, I see. when did that happen?"

"Not long after Kat turned one. Our parents divorced because father was convinced that she was cheating on him. She wasn't but he didn't care. The reason he got custody of us was because he could support us and mama hadn't worked in years. He hired a nanny to watch over us. Before mama died, she wrote this out." Kankri explains, pulling a folded up piece of paper from a secret pocket just inside the back cover of the photo album.

"May I?"

"Of course." Kankri allows, handing it to her. "She basically told the nanny a 101 about her babies. She made sure the nanny knew how fussy Kat was and what to do, how I went down for naps with Kat, that we both slept in his crib because that was the only way to get us to, and so much that I never really recognized about myself or Kat until I was almost Kat's age."

Ellis hands the paper back to Kankri, who offers it to Karkat to look at. Karkat takes the paper and just stares at, unwilling to confess that he's having a hard time understanding and reading the contents. He hands it back Kankri and rolls over so he's facing Kankri, burying his face in big brother's chest. Kankri smiles sadly and rubs his little brother's back comfortingly.

"Okay... I see. So what is Kat like now?"

"Honestly, not really any different. Just last night I tucked him in and was about to go use the bathroom when he practically threw himself out of bed and started crying. It was like when he was a baby trying to follow me into the bathroom all over again. Though I'm sure he's learned a lot from school since I left for college when our father was still alive."

"Do you feel like that's the case, Kat?"

Karkat thinks back to what he had said to the therapist he had started seeing.

_"To tell you the truth, I don't know when it all started. It's just that one day, I knew something had to change. Someone had to change. I just figured that I was the one who had to change because everyone else seemed normal. I always felt like the one who was fucked up. I just couldn't see how it could be anyone else. So I tried everything. Literally everything I could think of that wouldn't make me impose on someone else to tell me who to be and how and when to do everything. " He confessed, staring at the patterned skirt covering his legs, his eyes burning with tears as he smiles with amusement at the thought what that meant. "I've always been this perpetual child. I always wanted to curl up on someone's lap, to be held, to be able to cry my eyes out if i needed to, to be told right from wrong, and to always be with someone. I wanted to be taken care of. I needed to be taken care of...."_

_"And you don't now?"_

_"That's the problem, I still feel like I want and need all of that, but I'm too old to have any of it. I have to fend for myself. I have to be okay being alone, maybe forever." He looked up at her before saying this, his face nebulous like his mind, void of any feeling, emotion._

"Baby, are you okay?" Kankri whispers, nuzzling Karkat.

"Uh huh..." Karkat responds.

"Can you tell me what you think?" Kankris asks.

"It's true..." Karkat murmurs, automatically putting his thumb in his mouth.

"He said he thinks it's true." Kankri relays.

"Kat, do you at least feel like school has helped you learn?" Ellis inquires.

Karkat shakes his head and clutches Kankri's shirt in his free hand.

"What makes you say that, Kat?"

"I can't read it..." Karkat confesses, immediately putting his thumb back in his mouth.

"Can't read what, baby?" Kankri asks.

"Mama's letter..."

Karkat starts to cry again as he feels the shame of not understanding what seems so basic for anyone else.

"Kankri, may I speak with you over by the door for a minute before I go?" Ellis requests.

"I'll still be right in the room and you'll still see me, buggaboo. Can you let me get up please?" Kankri points out.

Karkat nods and allows Kankri to tuck him in with Mr. Cuddles while Kankri goes to talk to Ellis.

"Kankri, I'm going to be straight with you, it's becoming more apparent that Kat is emotionally and intellectually stunted. It's hard to say why, but I'm wondering if he is on the milder end of the autism spectrum." Ellis admits.

"Autism... Kat may have autism? What... What does that mean? Is he going to be the way he is now forever?" Kankri questions.

"It's hard to say. I'm not entirely sure that he does have autism but I see a lot of the traits in Kat."

"Are you sure he isn't just dyslexic and traumatized from IPV?"

"It could be, but it's unlikely..."

"Oh my.... I... I don't know what I'm going to do...."

"Listen, as I keep meeting with Kat, I'll start testing him for autism. The blood work would only show it if the system is free of any sort of substance, even if it's just cough medicine because it does alter the blood enough to create false positives or even a false negative. So my suggestion is to just keep doing what you're doing because he's still safe adn seems like he's better than when he was first admitted last night." Ellis advises.

"Okay. I can do that..." Kankri takes a deep breath.

"You have the panic disorder don't you?"

"Yes."

"Just keep breathing. And try to stay calm. You are a smart young man and I'm sure you can handle this. You have so far." Ellis commends before she leaves.

Kankri looks back at Karkat, who is now on the verge of napping- being just after lunch, Kankri isn't the least bit surprised- and internally panics. He knows that Karkat is in good hands at the hospital, but how will he do under Kankri's care alone?


	11. Not So Alone

The rest of the day is uneventful. However, as Kankri is helping Karkat get cleaned up the next morning, things get more eventful. Through the walls they can hear someone, likely the new patient Evan had talked about, telling the nurses to go away and leave them alone, that they weren't going to come out to "get stuck." this caught Karkat's attention as he recognized the meaning, it meant someone was about to get a needle in them, likely to take away some of their blood.

"Kayri..."

"What, buggaboo?"

"Can we go help that patient? I don't think they wanna get stuck..." Karkat answers.

"We can try, I suppose." Kankri agrees, putting an arm around Karkat, who clings to his side but decides to walk this time.

They stand outside the other patient's room, looking in to see Amy attempting to lure the patient out to get the blood draw over with. She pauses, sighs, and turns to see Karkat peering in behind Kankri.

"Well hi sweetie!" Amy says, walking out into the hall.

Karkat smiles shyly and gives her a hug before hiding behind Kankri again.

"You're his favorite." Kankri jokes.

"I can see. What are you two up to?" Amy asks.

"Kat wanted to come see if we could help lure the new patient out." Kankri explains.

"We'll take any help we can get at this point." Amy smiles grimly. "Be my guest."

Kankri enters with Karkat and they knock on the door.

"Stop! I'm not gonna let you stick me!" A girl's voice comes from the bathroom.

"I won't stick you. I don't even work here." Kankri assures her.

"You don't..."

"Nope."

"Who are you?"

"i'm Kat's daddy. Kat is here because he got hurt and was doing some things that were bad for him."

"oh..."

"What's your name?"

"Katie... Katie Belle..."

"Katie, why don't you come out and meet Kat? I promise no one's gonna stick you if you come out now."

"Okay..." She says as the door starts to open and she slowly emerges. Kankri can tell that she's about the same age as Karkat. She's pretty, big green eyes, cherry red hair giving way at the roots to a duller red, light freckles all over, pale skin, and a soft, round face. She's very petite, almost scarily so.

"Kat, say hi to Katie." Kankri encourages, shifting his arm out of the way so Katie can see that Karkat is in fact there.

Karkat's eyes go wide and he shakes his head and hides behind Kankri, burying his face in Kankri's back.

"He's cute..." Katie says in a soft voice. "I probably scare him cause I'm so thin..."

"Huh uh..." Karkat comments.

"Baby, come out of hiding and say hi." Kankri encourages.

"Huh uh!" Karkat protests.

"Kat, don't make me use your full name."

"Don't!"

"I will if you can't be polite and say hi- while looking at her."

Karkat sighs and slowly tip toes around Kankri and wraps his big brother's arms around him, holding them in place.

"Hi..." Karkat says in a timid voice.

"Hi Kat." Katie says with a shy smile.

"i don't like needles..." Karkat tells her.

"I don't either." Katie says.

"I know neither of you like needles, but we have to do a blood draw." Amy says, holding her hands up so they can see that she isn't holding even part of a needle.

"Katie, you know what happened when Kat got his blood drawn?" Kankri adds.

She shakes her head.

"He was terrified. He was laying in bed and he started crying. Afterwards, he just cuddled with me and the next thing he knew, he'd nearly forgotten all about having a needle anywhere near him."

"But..." Katie starts to object and then stops.

"What is it, Katie?"

"But I don't have anyone to cuddle...."

"We could do it together.... daddy would hold your hand..." Karkat offers, looking up at Kankri.

"I would. If Kat lets you, you can sit on my lap too." Kankri agrees.

"if you want to..." Karkat adds.

"Okay..." Katie accepts.

Karkat takes her hand and holds onto Kankri. Kankri looks to Amy who sighs in relief as she leads them to the exam room. Kankri sits in the chair next to the scale and has Karkat on one leg and Katie on the other.

"Kisses?" Karkat asks, looking nervously at Kankri.

"Of course." Kankri answers, giving him kisses before Amy ties the band on his arm and then another goes on Katie's.

"Alrighty, I'll go as quick and easy as I can." Amy says, starting with Karkat, who still starts to cry but is overall calmer about the ptocess.

Amy does the same process for Katie and soon both have bandages on their arms and are clinging to Kankri.

"You're alright." He reassures them and then frowns. "One of you is less okay..."

Karkat's eyes go wide and he mumbles an apology as he realizes he's the one who's less okay and that the result is an uncontained accident.

"It's alright, Kat. We just need to get cleaned up now." Kankri comforts him. "Katie, sweetie, I would head back to your room and sit with Amy for now."

"Okay... It's okay Kat, that used to happen to me too..." Katie tells him as she takes Amy's hand, wiping her own tears away with her sweater's sleeve.

"See, kitten, it happens." Kankri soothes him as they both stand up.

Amy and Katie leave as Kankri picks Karkat, immoble from embarrassment, up and carries him to his room, where they both get changed in the bathroom.

"I hate to do this to you, but I think it's for the best, Kat." Kankri apologizes as he hands Karkat a pair of training pants instead of a pair of normal underwear.

"Kayri..."

"I know. You hate them. But you need them right now." Kankri insists.

Karkat caves and puts them on and slides his sweat pants over. Kankri extends his arms to Karkat, who walks into them and hugs his older brother.

"Let's go see if we can get you some pain meds before we go to meditation." Kankri suggests and Karkat remains silent and still.


	12. True or False?

I turn to face you, still sitting cross-legged on the triple drawered ebony night stand.

"Hello." I greet you with a relaxed smile. "You don't know me, but you've been reading what I saw."

You stare at me curiously, wondering what the hell I mean by all this and who I am and if this is even supposed to be part of the story.

"Yes, it is part of the story. I couldn't make it that easy to read you know." I answer, winking at you. "Wanna play a game?"

You don't answer because you have no idea where the hell is even going.

"I'll take that as an enthusiastic thumbs up." I giggle, uncrossing my black skunny jean encloaked legs. "So let's play true or false."

You make no move to answer. You think I'm psychotic or just have a lot of unresolved issues.

"First assumption false and second one true." I reassure you, adjusting my Pierce the Veil "Collide with the Sky" tee. "My turn. So, true or false, everything you just read in the last 11 chapters actually happened in the story."

You assume true because you can't imagine the author would be so misleading and willing to waste so much time writing stuff that didn't even happen.

"Oh, you're no fun!" I tease, running my hands through my feathery and short chocolate brown hair. "Nothing I write here happens in real life. Or does it?"

You're starting to think I am psychotic but in denial.

"No, I'm sane. But think about it. Haven't you ever heard how there's a kernal of truth in every lie? That's what writing is, darling.  A huge lovable lie with bits and pieces of truth- that way you get the truth in an easier to swallow fashion."

You start to wonder if maybe I have a point and begin to humor me a little.

"I'm glad you feel like humoring me." I express. "Are you ready to find out what's true and what's false?"

You think you are so you wait for me to get on with it.

"Sorry, darlin, you have to wait for the follow up, also called After May and its follow up, Everything May." I apologize. "It's a good thing that I'm totally in the mood for continuing."

You can't believe that I just did that and then again, you can. Now you really are curious as to what is true and what is false...


End file.
